


Last Year’s Silhouettes

by utsurobune



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29772780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utsurobune/pseuds/utsurobune
Summary: “Wait,” Tooru says, horror creeping into his voice. “Are you saying...I had a sex dream about volleyball?”His girlfriend goes to punch him, and Tooru ducks just in time.“No, you moron!” Keiko shouts, looking as though she’ll burst into tears any second. “You had a sex dream about — about —”She stops. “Do you really not know?”“...Not know what?”
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 8
Kudos: 78





	Last Year’s Silhouettes

**Author's Note:**

> My first Haikyuu fanfic! Thank you to Masha mozaikmage for pointing out the typos!

Despite the rumors to the contrary, Tooru’s girlfriend really does dump him because he spends too much time on volleyball. Well, mostly because of that. There’s another reason, but Tooru’s elected to throw that reason away in the most barren part of his mind, at the bottom of the ocean, in a locked vault labeled “SHIT I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT.” And besides, Keiko says it so quietly and in such a passing manner, so who can say what she  _ really _ meant?

Then again, there’s only so many ways to interpret “You don’t like me. Or any girl you’ve ever dated. You know why.” 

Luckily for Tooru, that verbal stab in the back is at the bottom of his mind ocean forever, and he definitely never ever thinks about it. Tooru doesn’t think about it when he can’t sleep, he doesn’t think about it when his eyes wander to follow a tall man passing him in the street, and he  _ definitely  _ doesn’t think about it when he calls Iwaizumi crying at 6 AM once Keiko’s out of his house. 

“Keiko broke up with you?” Iwaizumi asks sleepily, having honed the ability to discern words out of Tooru’s sobbing babbling over years. 

“I don’t understand,” Tooru replies in between sobs.

“Well, you did have that fight —”   
“We were over it! She slept over for the first time tonight!”

“Oh, right,” Iwaizumi says, as if he had legitimately forgotten. “Well, did anything...happen?”   
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Tooru says, his voice a bit more high pitched.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, idiot. Don’t play dumb.”

Tooru takes a deep breath. He hasn’t even processed everything that’s just happened himself, so the question of what to leave out to his childhood best friend is a loaded one. 

“We didn’t...do anything,” Tooru gets out eventually. “I was, just, uh, kinda, you know —”

“You don’t have to justify that decision to me,” Iwaizumi interrupts. “Did that make Keiko mad?”

“No!” Tooru says. “She seemed really understanding and we just slept, but then when I woke up she was so angry!” 

“Huh,” Iwaizumi says. “Was that all?” he asks, and Tooru knows right then that Iwaizumi is aware he’s left something out. 

“She uh,” Tooru sputters. “She said I spent too much time on volleyball.”

“Well,” Iwaizumi says pensively. “You probably do.”

“Don’t say that, Iwa-chan!” Tooru says. “I’m hurting enough here, I don’t need you making me rethink my lifestyle choices!”

A beat, and Tooru almost thinks Iwaizumi is about to press even farther, that the walls he’s so carefully constructed and maintained won’t be able to bear it, and then: 

“Well, ok,” Iwaizumi says. “I’m sorry that happened to you.” 

“...Ok? That’s all?” Tooru says, shocked at how delicate his friend’s being.

“Yeah, asshole,” Iwaizumi snaps. “We’ll talk about it at school more. Until then you can cry and listen to that American singer you like so much.”

“Carly Rae Jepsen is  _ Canadian _ ,” Tooru hisses, glad for some semblance of their old dynamic.

“Like I care.” 

“You’re so mean, Iwa-chan ~”

“Only to people that deserve it. Take care, ok? Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Uh-huh. Bye bye, Iwa-chan.”

“Bye.”

A click, and Tooru sighs. He needs to get his mind off Keiko, or he  _ will _ do something stupid. And maybe the solution to being dumped for spending too much time on volleyball isn’t to immediately spend time on volleyball, but Tooru replays the Karasuno match tape anyway. It’s familiar, and channeling his pain into his desire to crush that genius setter proves decently effective. 

Of course, his parents call him eventually and he has to tell them and break down all over again. They’re surprisingly supportive, telling Tooru he’ll get another girl in no time.

Tooru nods at that, but he doesn’t believe it. Keiko was his first serious relationship, and he doubts he’ll ever meet someone able to put up with him that way. Well, someone who isn’t Keiko. Or Iwaizumi. 

Believe it or not, Tooru doesn’t consider himself that successful when it comes to dating. Of course, if you asked him, he’d go off on a monologue about how he can’t help being so beautiful and magnetic, and why do you ask, do  _ you _ want to go out with him, because his social calendar is very full, you know. 

That’s what he says to everyone. Everyone but himself. 

Tooru knows he’s pathetic. He’s been on so many dates, met so many girls — and all but one meant nothing to him after a week. And after all these failed dates and meeting so many girls that he’s started to forget some of them entirely, Tooru can’t help but conclude  _ he’s _ the problem.

Keiko was different, though. She threw Tooru off-guard, but in a way he liked. They had a nice, natural banter, and she’s objectively pretty.  _ Thank God _ , Tooru had thought.  _ I’m not fundamentally unlovable _ .

But now that entire relationship is in tatters, and worse, Tooru knows it’s his fault and his alone. 

Looking back on it, it seems so obvious. Of course being emotionally and physically unavailable would drive Keiko away. Of course refusing to let down any walls would mean she’d stop trying to bring them down. Of course ditching her for volleyball practice would make her stop suggesting dates entirely.

But Tooru couldn’t help it, he thinks.  _ Fake it till you make it, _ someone had told him. What they neglected to mention is that you can get so good at faking that you forget how to be real. Tooru wears a mask everywhere he goes. No one gets to look down at the face beneath. Well, no one but —— no one but ——  _ he knows why _ —

Nope. Nope nope nope. Not going down that train of thought. Lead it straight into the vault.

Tooru goes to school, and the reality that Keiko’s avoiding him is palpable, but he pushes it down. Good volleyball captains do  _ not  _ break down in the middle of practice crying about their ex-girlfriends, so he keeps it together. His sneakers squeak against the court, his voice is even and light, and things are normal. 

Iwaizumi does try to bring Keiko up, but Tooru shuts him down.

“Honestly, Iwa-chan, I didn’t think you’d want to dwell on that,” he says. “I thought you’d be happy to have more of me to yourself ~”

Tooru gets a hit to the shoulder for that, but Iwaizumi doesn’t push it, and for that he is eternally grateful. He doesn’t linger on the heat on his shoulder from contact, or on Iwaizumi taking his shirt off.

Maybe for someone else, the revelations of the night when Keiko slept over would be impossible to bury. But Tooru’s been great at this sort of thing ever since the apple juice incident in Junior High. So he manages it.

And Tooru fully expects it to be buried for the rest of his life. He can fake confidence and he can fake happiness, so really, faking platonic affection is nothing. Tooru will wipe that superior look off of Ushijima’s face, get Seijoh to nationals, play volleyball for the rest of his life, and find Keiko 2.0 and not screw it up this time. He’ll have children, a job, make his parents proud, and be nothing more than friends with Iwaizumi for the rest of his life. It’s a plan he fully intends to follow through on.

But then Karasuno beats them at the Spring High preliminaries, and the crack in the foundation starts. He cries his eyes out when no one but Iwaizumi is looking, cries so hard he starts coughing. 

Tooru keeps on a brave face for the sake of his teammates, but he’s rattled. The plan has failed, he has failed to carry out his vision. And if Tooru has tried and failed at volleyball, the possibility of him failing at literally anything else becomes all the more real.

Tooru hits volleyball even harder, but the fact that there’s no games to be played means there’s a void in his time. Naturally, he spends it with Iwaizumi. It would be weird if he didn’t. Right?

In hindsight, Keiko coming up again is an inevitability, one Tooru should’ve prepared for. But he’s shocked nonetheless when Iwaizumi tells him he saw her over the weekend.

“How was she?” Tooru asks, fully aware of how much he’s trying to sound noncommittal. 

“She seemed good,” Iwaizumi replies. “We actually talked about you a little.”

“Oh?” Tooru says, not even looking at Iwaizumi as he flips through TV channels a little too aggressively. 

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi. “She seemed to miss you, actually.”

“I see,” Tooru says, unsure if the tremble in his voice is in his head or not.

“All I’m saying is,” Iwaizumi says. “Maybe you should try to talk to her again, or something?”

“Oh, but you’d get jealous, wouldn’t you, Iwa-chan?” Tooru says with a smile, though the feeling behind it is hollow.

“Do you have to ruin everything I try to do for you, Shittykawa?” Iwaizumi replies. “You like her. You  _ want  _ to date her, right?”

“This must be some reverse psychology, Iwa-chan,” Tooru says, beginning to fade out of fully conscious existence, “You’d never let me go willingly!”

“You goddamn narcissistic piece of shit ,” Iwaizumi growls, and if Tooru wasn’t currently running entirely on autopilot, he might’ve noticed a blush on Iwaizumi’s face. “I will murder you with my bare hands one day, you know that? You’ll be asleep and I’ll finally have had enough and I’ll just go apeshit on you, you — wait, are you ok?”

Tooru realizes he’s shaking at this point. Literally, physically shaking. As if the sheer force of everything he’s kept buried is physically manifesting. It comes as such a shock to Tooru that he forgets to reply.

“Oikawa?” Iwaizumi says, and Tooru can definitely detect concern in his voice.

“I’m —” Tooru begins. Fine? He isn’t, really, and Iwaizumi can probably tell. 

“Are you...panicking?” Iwaizumi asks, hovering around Tooru like he’s a scared horse.

“Don’t know,” Tooru says. “This hasn’t happened before.” 

“Do you want water?”

“...No.”

“Uh, well,” Iwaiuzmi says, unsure. “I’ll stay with you.”

“Ok,” Tooru says. 

A beat, then Iwaizumi looks at Tooru in the eyes, and there’s something so gentle and earnest in his expression that Tooru feels a sudden pressure in his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he says, putting a hand on Tooru’s shoulder. It’s a gesture they’ve gone through several times before, and normally Tooru would think nothing of it. But this time he feels like he’s on fire from the touch, and he realizes that something inside of him is crumbling. He would wonder at why any of this is happening, but that would be a lie.  _ He knows why _ .

Tooru has been kissing Keiko for a while, but when she reaches down towards his belt he pushes off of her with force.

“Holy shit,” Keiko says. “You ok?”

“Oh, uh,” Tooru says. “I uh — I don’t think we should — you know.”

Keiko frowns. “You know I’m staying over here while your parents are out of town for a reason, right?”

“Uh,” Tooru says. He does know, but somehow the reality of it is simply too much for him to process. 

Keiko sighs. “Are you just not in the mood, or what?”

“Good question, Keiko,” Tooru says, refusing to make eye contact with her and electing instead to stare at a stain on his ceiling. “I…”

A beat, and then he shakes his head. “I don’t think I’m ready,” he admits, bracing himself for rage. But instead Keiko smiles.

“I’m glad you can be honest with me,” she says. “We can just sleep then, if that’s alright.”

Tooru nods, and takes a sleeping bag. Maybe it’s the emotional exhaustion of the day, but he falls asleep within ten minutes.

When Tooru wakes up the next morning, the first thing that registers is a wetness in his underwear. The second thing that registers is that Keiko is staring at him from about two feet away, her expression one of pure rage.

“Tooru,” she says icily. “Did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

Tooru blinks. “I did know that,” he says. “Did I, have uh, a —”

“A sex dream?” Keiko asks with a nigh maniacal smile. “Yes, Tooru. Yes you did.”

“Sorry,” Tooru says. “That must’ve been...awkward.” 

“That’s one word for it.”

A pause until Tooru can’t take it anymore, and:

“Are you...angry with me?” he ventures.

“Yes, Tooru. Yes I am.”

“Well, I’m not really responsible for my subconscious, so —”

“Shut up!” Keikos shouts, beginning to pace. “I can’t believe this.”

“I legitimately do not remember this dream, Keiko, so —”

“Shut. Up.” 

Keiko sighs. “All this time I thought you were really into volleyball, you know? Like, really into it, enough that you’d ditch me for it, but  _ this  _ —”

“Wait,” Tooru says, horror creeping into his voice. “Are you saying...I had a sex dream about  _ volleyball _ ?”

His girlfriend goes to punch him, and Tooru ducks just in time.

“No, you moron!” Keiko shouts, looking as though she’ll burst into tears any second. “You had a sex dream about — about —”

She stops. “Do you really not know?”

“...Not know what?”

Keiko sighs.

Finally: “You don’t like me. Or any girl you’ve ever dated.  _ You know why. _ ” 

Keiko leaves on her own despite Tooru’s half-hearted attempts to drive her out, and then he’s alone.

Tooru’s starting to cry, and he still can’t stop shaking. 

“I’m sorry,” Iwaizumi says. “I don’t — I don’t know how to help you.”

Tooru takes deep breaths, painfully aware of the fact that Iwaizumi’s hand is still on his shoulder.

If Tooru tries really, really hard at this exact moment, he can pull himself together and blame all of this on Keiko. He can get back on track to his plan and everything it entails But he’s so, so tired. And he doesn’t know if he can lie anymore.   
  
“Do you remember that time in junior high,” Tooru begins. “When we fought over the last carton of apple juice?”

“...Yes?” Iwaizumi says, clearly confused. 

“I tackled you, and then they told us to break it up,” Tooru says.

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says. “You cried over it.”

“But before that, when I was getting up, there was this split second where our faces were — so close,” Tooru says. “And I could feel your breath on my face.”

“You were so beautiful,” Tooru says. “All I wanted was to kiss you.”

Tooru is faintly aware of how greedy he is. Getting a friend as good as Iwaizumi is like being hit by lightning, and still he wants more. But the want is such pain, and he’s so vulnerable right now, and the words come tumbling out.

“Sometimes, when we’re talking,” Tooru continues, feeling the shaking halt, “All I want is to lay my head on your chest and hear your heartbeat, just to make sure you’re real, that what I  _ feel _ is real.”

“And I forced it down for so long,” Tooru says. “But Keiko caught on. She didn’t dump me because I spent too much time on volleyball, she...well, you know.”

“And I’m terrified, because I’m so sure I’m going to lose you right now, right here, in my room,” Tooru says, choking down a sob. “But I can’t — I can’t keep on lying. It’s not fair to you, and it’s... it’s not fair to me.”

It’s only then that Tooru looks up at Iwaizumi and sees that he’s crying too. 

“I’m so sorry,” is all Tooru can say. 

“You’re such an idiot,” Iwaizumi says finally. “How could you not have noticed?”

“I’m very good at lying, Iwa-chan,” Tooru says with a hollow chuckle.

“No, you goddamn  _ moron _ ,” Iwaizumi says. “All the times I convinced you to come to an extra practice? You think I didn’t  _ know _ Tuesdays were supposed to be your date nights? Every time,  _ every time  _ I looked at you and tried not to stare, you didn’t notice?”

“You mean —” Tooru begins, unsure of where he’s going to end up.

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says. “I do.”

The hand that Iwaizumi had on Tooru’s shoulder goes up to cradle his face. They sit there like that for a bit, staring at each other.

Then Tooru leans in, and he’s scared, scared that he’s somehow going to fuck this up, that it won’t last. But Iwaizum is kissing him back, and for a small, perfect moment, everything is good.


End file.
